Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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