This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
