Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
