You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
