i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found the puke drawer
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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