i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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