apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
