I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
