It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
