A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
