dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
