I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
