She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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