I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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