We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
