So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
