It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
