he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
