Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
