im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
