I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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