I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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