good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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