I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
