i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
