You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
