Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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