Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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