She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
