I got chris browned last night
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
