dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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