people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
