alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
