so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
