So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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