And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
