so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I did not marry a roomba.
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