I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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