Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
