I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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