she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
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You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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