when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You don't make any sense
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