Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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