My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
