I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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