Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
