my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
