If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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