He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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