You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. Itβs Christmas...and this is why Iβm single.
They are good meatballs.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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