I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
