She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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