when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
