I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Too much gin, very little bucket
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found puke in my bra..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
