She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
