I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My penis needs a shock collar
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
