Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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