Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
