From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
