I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
