He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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