Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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