If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
