i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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