Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
