Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
